It’s been two months and two weeks since the worst day of my life. A day that wasn’t supposed to have come in many, many years, but it did. I found out that my best friend had died. Gone.
It crushed my world and I suppose I thought it would get easier. But here I am still, crying my eyes out day after day. Thinking what it would be like if she was still here. If I could hug her just one more time, or hear her laugh or just sit together in the same room.
There are no words for what it feels like to lose your best friend. No matter what I
write or say I will never be able to express how this feels and what’s going on in my head. Just like someone who never met her would never understand how amazing she was even if I told them. Some people have to be experienced and she was certainly one of those people.
Even if I know I have lots of people who love and support me in what I do, I feel alone. I feel so alone it’s as if my heart is going to fall out. I feel like my world is shattered and I’m picking up pieces in the dark. There’s nothing to stand on, I’m in a black vertical tunnel and if I lose contact with its walls I’ll lose myself and fall down that bottomless pit.
Where am I supposed to go from here? It’s as if one half of me disappeared and now I’ll ever only be half a person. I’m torn between a myriad of feelings. I’m sad, desperate, frustrated, lonely, empty, cold, small and insecure. But I also have moments of great gratitude, happiness and completeness when thinking of memories we’ve made together. The down time is a lot denser than the up time, and I feel like Bilbo just before he leaves the ring to Frodo.
"I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread."
I wish there was some sort of guidance, a way to make this less painful. This is the hardest test my mind has ever had to go through. There have been days when I’ve thought that life isn’t worth living anymore. But I find something, because I have to find something. They say strongwoman-training takes a strong mind, but in my world there is no training or physical test that can ever match what I now have to face every day.
I get afraid to lose someone else I love. The first two weeks after I found out I was so scared something would happen to my family. That I would end up alone with no one. I’ve come to realize just how precious and rare life really is. I just hope that one day I’ll be able to find friendship as true and powerful as the one I had with Mimmi. And I hope that you will too.