New times

It's been a year since Mimmi's passing and I've passed through a lot on the way here. I can't believe it's been a full year already. I miss her terribly still, but it is getting easier. I think about all the good times we've had and it puts a smile on my face...

After her passing I had the darkest time in my life and didn't even look forward to my US trip to meet the women in my female lifters network, Barbelles. I thought about cancelling because I just couldn't see the purpose of going. But I dragged my ass there in the end, and I'm very glad I did. Ever since then things have been moving forward, and in a quick pace at that!

 
 

I stayed in the US for five weeks, spending time with amazing people that lifted me, helped me get out of the hole I dug for myself. Those five weeks were the best thing that could have happened to me! I did my first strongwoman competition in the US, I did a bikini competition at Muscle Beach with my favorite doctor Rachael Keilin, I met several of my clients IRL, we had Barbelles meetups in Long Beach (Metroflex), Las Vegas and San Fransisco. I got to go to SIGGRAPH again and meet my nerd friends :]

After the US I realized how much of an impact Barbelles had done on the women in the network, and I found a new purpose. I started planning for starting up a company. But the real kicker was in December, when I called the owners of my dream facility (industrial place that would look great as a gym) and asked about rental and costs. Not impossible it seemed, so I kept doing new budgets, look at equipment, research the gym business and came to the conclusion that it wouldn't be impossible. So, on February 14 I started my own company, Massive Performance, and I am opening my own gym. It will take a few months yet, but it will be the most beautiful gym ever. I've never felt so passionate about something in my whole life.

I'm going to start writing about the whole process on a website dedicated to it, link coming soon, and let anyone who's interested follow along on my journey, through good and bad!

 
 

Regarding the loss of my Best Friend

It’s been two months and two weeks since the worst day of my life. A day that wasn’t supposed to have come in many, many years, but it did. I found out that my best friend had died. Gone.

It crushed my world and I suppose I thought it would get easier. But here I am still, crying my eyes out day after day. Thinking what it would be like if she was still here. If I could hug her just one more time, or hear her laugh or just sit together in the same room.

There are no words for what it feels like to lose your best friend. No matter what I

write or say I will never be able to express how this feels and what’s going on in my head. Just like someone who never met her would never understand how amazing she was even if I told them. Some people have to be experienced and she was certainly one of those people.

Even if I know I have lots of people who love and support me in what I do, I feel alone. I feel so alone it’s as if my heart is going to fall out. I feel like my world is shattered and I’m picking up pieces in the dark. There’s nothing to stand on, I’m in a black vertical tunnel and if I lose contact with its walls I’ll lose myself and fall down that bottomless pit.

I’m scared.

Where am I supposed to go from here? It’s as if one half of me disappeared and now I’ll ever only be half a person. I’m torn between a myriad of feelings. I’m sad, desperate, frustrated, lonely, empty, cold, small and insecure. But I also have moments of great gratitude, happiness and completeness when thinking of memories we’ve made together. The down time is a lot denser than the up time, and I feel like Bilbo just before he leaves the ring to Frodo.

"I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread."

I wish there was some sort of guidance, a way to make this less painful. This is the hardest test my mind has ever had to go through. There have been days when I’ve thought that life isn’t worth living anymore. But I find something, because I have to find something. They say strongwoman-training takes a strong mind, but in my world there is no training or physical test that can ever match what I now have to face every day.

I get afraid to lose someone else I love. The first two weeks after I found out I was so scared something would happen to my family. That I would end up alone with no one. I’ve come to realize just how precious and rare life really is. I just hope that one day I’ll be able to find friendship as true and powerful as the one I had with Mimmi. And I hope that you will too.

Follow me on Facebook :]

In case you don't already. It's slightly more active than the blog :] Not sure why I don't update more frequently here, but I like my posts to be longer and contain something interesting rather than just babbling about nothing to no end like a lot of other people tend to do. I keep my babbling to facebook ;] I also post more pictures there!

Sick but high in spirits!

I've been sick this whole week, which really, really sucks... I was going to start my new program on Monday (2x3 trap bar DLs, go heavy!), but woke up with some sort of evil cold or something. I stayed home from work Monday and Tuesday, then went in to work at the gym on Wednesday… And got the assignment of cleaning all the dumbbells (approximately 1900kg). Needless to say this wasn’t an ideal day to spend an unwell day. So got to stay home today as well... But, this evening I’ll be working at the other gym, and as I’ve got three clients I really can’t stay home… Been looking forward to it for a whole week!

 

Last Thursday there was a girl who came in for an intro session and wanted to know more about training for strength (lucky she came in to the right instructor). She was a former gymnast and had been doing several sports on a decent level. Only 16 years old, but with great body control and great will to learn. This is the ideal client. I’ve written her a program now and I’ll stick with her to see how things are going. She did so well in her first session, I don’t think technique or motivation will be a problem. After booking her next session two of her friends came up to me to book the same intro session for this week. I love it when people have the right attitude! BAM!

Hopefully some caffeine and naproxen can sort this damn headache out…

Also, I’m working on making an intro program for Breeze Fitness as well (for the under 15s). I haven’t worked much with teenagers before so I’m really looking forward to learn more and make myself useful ;]

408466_10151201356297190_220264222_n.jpg

January Update!

Hello blog readers!

So I’ve been absent for a while again… I’ve enjoyed both Christmas and New Years, during which I had a whole week to myself for de-stress and catch up time. I’m so glad I did, because so far January has been a really busy month!

The first week on January I started two internships – at a gym called Breeze Fitness (amazeballs – learned loads already!), and at a EU organization that gives money to rural projects. It’s great to learn more about the wonderful world of training, and the things I learn at the EU place is also invaluable, for when the time comes for me to start my own projects (or company?), I’ll know all about how to do it! Actually, I already started. So much going on now I can hardly keep my head straight.

The first project that I’ve been working on for a looong time is finally ready to get to work. Actually it’s been done for quite some time, but now I’m ready for some REAL work! It will take off! So if you have a couple of free minutes – please check out www.strongmanevents.com and let me know what you think! You can also register as a member, like on Facebook or follow on Twitter. Every little helps, right ;]

Second big thing is a new web based projects – won’t tell you much more right now, but I think it will fill a space that really needs filling… And I’ll let you know when I get into production! So excited about this one!

Third project is a summer camp that I’m already planning for aspiring strongwomen! For it to qualify for the project support I’m applying for I’ll need to aim it towards women under 25, but I’m sure I’ll be able to fit a few older girls in as well ;] Best thing about interning at that organization is that I get to plan my own project too on interning time. How awesome is that?

I’m also in the process of building a few other websites, and I really hope they turn out awesome. My naprapath has a lot of work to get to on Tuesday after all this computer time…

I'm happy to say my motivation seems to have returned :] Wonder if it might have something to do with the insane amount of D3 I'm consuming.... Here's some pics from my January training!

The girls of Sjobo Strongman!

The girls of Sjobo Strongman!

This is my new Bosu ball ;] I use it for situps..........

This is my new Bosu ball ;] I use it for situps..........

...............and unloaded skwatz.....don't want to get too bulky ;]

...............and unloaded skwatz.....don't want to get too bulky ;]

Glad to say we have some new girls in training :]

Glad to say we have some new girls in training :]

And this is me in my current state! Look how bulky I am ;] All manly and stuff! :D

And this is me in my current state! Look how bulky I am ;] All manly and stuff! :D

Short Christmas update ;]

As you can probably tell I've been quite inactive here recently. I decided to take a "Start Your Own Business Course" lasting for five weeks, and with everything else that's been leading up to Christmas there just hasn't been enough time to focus on everything. The course has been really useful, but I still have too many ideas to keep my head straight. The next step is to clean up the mess in my head, and write a list of possible actions from here... And then stick to it ;] Glad I have my training to keep me sane!

Managed to do some good results, like 80kg for 4x5 on trap bar deadlifts. The last set was intense, but decent and I didn't even see stars. Next time it's 5x5 so we'll see if I go for 80 or if I can increase it slightly. I have microplates, so it would be cool to just add a little so that I improve in some way... Slowly getting back to previous weights. I'm so glad to be back to 5-6 reps instead of 12. It killed my motivation, and I didn't even feel like going to the gym. 5-6 makes me feel like 3-2-1 is not far away :D And now is also the time to plan next years competition season. A dream would be to qualify to the Strongman Fitness at the Arnold... But that may be a few years away.

I'll be starting an internship at an organisation called Leader in January. It gives out EU money to projects that are beneficial to rural areas. It also has another division, LaSource. They give money to people between the age of 13 to 25 to run their own projects. I'd love to run some cool projects in the future myself, so I'm hoping to learn a lot about what it means from the organising side of it AND from the funding side. If you just know where to look there is money for everything!

If I'm lucky I might have the chance to intern at a gym as well, but I'm still waiting for a final answer... Hoping it comes within the next few days!

And finally I just want to wish you all a merry Christmas! Take care now, and take time to appreciate the company of friends and family :]

ww_christmas2.jpg